I know deadbeat dad is the default definition of a man who is not active in his child(ren)’s lives but a lot of men resent that label. Especially if -in there mind- they are doing everything in their power to be an active dad. I would argue that as many men that you think make excuses about not “finding a way” to be good fathers, there’s just as many bitter exes who call men deadbeats because they refuse to jump they hoops. If a man refuses to let an ex control him through his love of his children, is he really the one in the wrong here?
I have to be honest, I’m speaking from the perspective of a father. I have made no excuses nor hidden the fact that I have multiple children in multiple homes (2 baby mamas, 1 fiance). I use to think that any man who was not fighting to be active in raising his children was a deadbeat, then I started popping out babies left and right and I saw that, damn, women can be very cruel and spiteful, lol. I have a decent relationship with one of my children’s mothers and it reflects in my access to my child. The other mother, I have learned the hard way that I must co-parent *not with her* but with the State of Texas. It’s sad, but it’s the case at this point. I suppose the wounds are not yet healed. I acknowledge that I might not have been the best man in the relationship but that was years ago. I have to go to court just to get more than 4 overnights a month (the standard “every other weekend”).
For the mother that I can’t parent with, I’m a deadbeat. Yes, me! To her, her ability to dictate and ration out extra time to me is her God given right (seeing as how I’m not with her) and I should accept every hoop with a smile on my face. If I want more than the standard time with my child I must answer all her calls, be available at her every beckon call for when she wants to go out, take all kinds of verbal abuse with no rebuttals of similar disrespect and give her extra cash for child expenses over the child support. If I don’t do these things with a smile and politeness that she doesn’t determine is condescending then I’m a deadbeat dad, “just like all the other men she knows”.
Okay, that was my personal time on my soapbox(^;
Anywho, I find that many women who know nothing but single mothers and men who are irresponsible with their children often want to label good men deadbeats to have a since of normalcy. I know, I know, it sounds strange, right? But I serious see a lot of women who grew up with no father and have nothing but friends and family that are females with no active men around go through a subconscious battle for control over the direction of their children and deem a man who is not in their home as a unnecessary inconvenience. I mean, why share power (direction of your family unit) with someone who isn’t technically in your home/family unit?
Because of this fact when dealing with the single mothers of your children, I feel a lot of men get frustrated and tired of the endless demands and hoops they must submit to from an often bitter ex. No man wants to be controlled by a woman. Especially one he no longer loves intimately. No man wants an ex dictating his life, finances and free time. Yet the state deems this as an appropriate means of parents. The state gives the woman so much power in failed relationships regarding children while stripping the man of any form of checks and balances.
Think about this, if parents living in the same city were allowed to split time 50/50 once relationships ended, wouldn’t women be more inclined to work with men regarding time and access? If both parents had equal time and financial responsiblities wouldn’t both parents have to then *co-parent*?
I know, I know… a lot of women will say: But he is irresponsible! He’s a bad example! He can’t even take care of himself!
Well… a lot of women are also yet they still custodial parents by default. If the argument (as always) is “well… men should be more responsible when spreading their seeds” what about the woman? Shouldn’t she have some draw backs to having kids out of wedlock or spreading her legs to unvetted men? Why isn’t she ordered to split time 50/50 and told when she complains: Well you should’ve picked better penises ma’am…
Okay, I’m over my word count limit. Let me know what ya’ll think.